If Wishes Were Retail is the debut novel by Auston Habershaw, due to be published in a couple of weeks by Tachyon Publications. It is the story of “an enterprising young woman and a clueless genie just try to make a living”, offering an interesting spin on the genie story. To introduce readers to the characters, we have been provided with an excerpt to share with CR readers. Here’s the synopsis:
A pop-up at the local mall meets Aladdin in this cozy, chaotic, and deeply funny debut novel where an enterprising young woman and a clueless genie just try to make a living.
Alex Delmore needs a miracle. She wants out of her dead-end suburban town, but her parents are broke and NYU seems like a distant dream.
Good thing there’s a genie in town ― and he’s hiring at the Wellspring Mall.
It’d help if the Jinn-formerly-of-the-Ring-of-Khorad knew even one thing about 21st-century America. It’d help if he weren’t at least as stubborn as Alex. It’d really help if her brother didn’t sell her out to her conspiracy theory-loving, gnome-hating dad.
When Alex and the genie set up their wishing kiosk, they face seemingly-endless setbacks. The mall is failing and management will not stop interfering on behalf of their big-box tenants.
But when the wishing biz might start working, the biggest problem of all remains: People are really terrible at wishing.
*
Commercial Lease Application–Wellspring Mall
Please provide all the information requested below. Incomplete information can delay the processing of your application. PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY
Occupants
Company: I keep no company save my own
Address (Main Office): A palace of smoke and fire, set among the clouds, where emerald birds sing the ineffable music of Heaven itself
Sole Prop [X] Partnership [ ] Corporation [ ]
Year Established: I was pressed into service one thousand five hundred years before the birth of your Christ
Employer ID #: For my number, I choose SEVEN
Number of Employees: One
Type of Business: I shall sell mortals their most heartfelt desires
Gross Annual Revenue: Presumptuous poltroon! The vastness of my treasures are not for mortal eyes to see, nor mortal hands to feel
Contact Person
Full Name: My TRUE NAME is not for you to know!
Title: Jinn
Phone #: As of this moment, I am reachable by any phone number you desire.
Fax #: My mortal servant informs me only a fool still uses a fax machine
E-mail: jinnoftheringofkhorad@aol.com
Commercial History
Previous Address: Imprisoned in the Ring of Khorad, which all men did covet
Previous Rent: Enslavement
Reason for Leaving: In recent days and for reasons unknown, I found myself liberated from bondage
Former Landlord/Mortgage Company
Name: The wretched sorcerer Shulmanu-Ashared, may he dwell in fire forever
Address: A crooked tower on the outskirts of ancient Nineveh
Phone #: This mortal is deceased
Banking Reference
Name: I have no need for a mortal to safeguard my infinite wealth
Address: I write this only because your instructions were to leave nothing unfinished
Phone #: There is obviously no phone number, as this person does not exist
Account #: My mortal servant informs me that I would be a fool to provide you with this information, even in the case where it existed, but she also admits that she has little experience in business administration
Signature
By signing this document you affirm, under penalty of law, that all information provided is true to the best of your knowledge:
So Sayeth the Jinn Formerly of the Ring of Khorad
Date: It is Thursday, the twenty-second day of the sixth month, in the Year of Christ two thousand and twenty-three, though I am not responsible if this date does not match the date upon which you peruse this document
The genie put down his quill pen and blew gently across the application, making the ink dry. He inspected his handiwork with a satisfied grunt and handed it over to Alex. “There—what say you? Shall this satisfy the infernal usurers and petty tyrants that rule this great house?”
Alex looked at the application. She knew what the genie had written—she’d been peppered with questions the whole time he was filling it out—but it was still sort of astounding to see it for real, in her hands. Obviously these answers weren’t sufficient. Like, obviously. She looked up at the genie’s burning gaze, however, and figured she ought to cut her losses, here. “Yeah, I guess it’s fine.”
“You guess?”
“C’mon, man, you didn’t even put your name on it.”
“I explained about my name!” the genie said.
Alex threw up her hands. “All I’m saying is that this is a weird situation, okay? You see that, right?”
“You feel as though they will refuse me. Is this correct, Alexandria Delmore?”
Alex paused. Okay, so . . . tell the truth or lie? If she told the truth, the genie would get pissed at her or maybe at the mall and he might, well . . . who knows what he might do, but it wouldn’t be great, whatever it was. Lying, on the other hand, would postpone this freak-out to a time where Alex might not be the closest person. But she also didn’t like lying. “I mean, maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Only one way to find out, I guess.”
The genie seemed to accept this. He handed Alex the application. “Take this to the mistress of this grand bazaar. She is expecting it.”
Alex checked her phone—3:30. She clambered over the kiosk counter. “Yeah, okay, sure.”
She walked away from the kiosk as fast as she could without making it really obvious she was trying to get away. She hadn’t totally anticipated just how much she was going to have to be dealing with the genie and his problems on a daily basis. This, like a lot of her other expectations, seemed pretty stupid in retrospect. What did she think this job wouldentail? Did she think the genie was going to hang out in a lamp or something all day?
“Hey!” someone stage-whispered from behind a nearby potted plant. Alex looked to see Frank the mall cop crouching down, his hands tucked into his armpits like he was doing the chicken dance.
“Hey big guy—you okay?” Alex asked.
Frank looked down at his hands and quickly pulled them away from his body. He shuddered all over. “You work for that genie, right?”
“We met, remember?”
The mall cop got up and came closer. “Listen, kid—you know that thing is dangerous, right?”
Alex couldn’t exactly disagree, but she also didn’t like the idea of agreeing, either, so she just stood there and waited for this guy to get to the point.
“Is that the freak’s lease application?” the mall cop said. He reached out for it. “Here—I’ll run it down to the office for you.”
Alex pulled the papers close to her chest. “No, that’s cool. I can get it down there myself.”
Frank looked for a second like he was going to yank it out of Alex’s hand, but then he backed off. “Listen, you let me know if that genie does anything illegal, okay? Like, really wrong. We all want a safe mall, don’t we, kid?”
“Yeah, sure,” Alex said. “Ummm . . . which way is the office?”
The mall cop pointed her in the right direction. As Alex walked away, he called after her. “Remember, kid: that freak doesn’t belong here! Something like this never ends well, mark my words!”
Alex marked them. She marked them the whole way down the elevator into the basement of the mall.
*
Auston Habershaw’s If Wishes Were Retail is due to be published by Tachyon Publications in North America and in the UK, on June 17th.
Civilian Reader 